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Without you...

It's been too long without you.....sometimes I feel as if you are just out and will be back soon... throughout this year, I have reflected, cried, screamed, loved more, hurt, hid, slept for days. I have smiled at each sign you have sent, and then I get mad that I have to depend upon signs and not get to see you. I see the world of difference your life made and I am so proud . I learned so much from you, in both life and death. I have seen your brother and sister devastated, sad, angry, mad and at times, quiet and detached. I've seen your dad wonder why and feel responsible or wish it was him and yearn for your presence. I have felt you in my sleep where you are still here and alive, why I sometimes don't want to be woken. I have slept with and kissed your stuffed animals you took such good care of like I promised. I have seen Maggie barking and licking the air and realize your presence is here and I fell happy and sad and jealous I am not a dog. I have paid for your cell phone for a year as if you will call or text me. I have text you, hoping for a reply. I charge your phone as if you are going to use it and track your whereabouts and see that you are home. I post pictures of you on Facebook and keep your memory alive. I am proud of the time we had together and will continually share that just as I share new memories of Robert and Ella. I smell your clothes and blankets. I borrow your clothes and return them. I haven't touched your room or your belongings in a year. I still have the last water bottle you were drinking from...I have wanted to quit and I remember how you fought to live. I order your favorite candles. I am an advocate for pediatric cancer like you were going to be, and actually still are. I run away from people and I act robotic. But then I do have some real smiles and laughs as you would want me too. I see your brother miss having a house buddy to watch TV with and play video games with and make silly videos with...and I see your sister yearn to have you here to help with makeup, clothes, boys and high school decisions. They adored you, then and still as we all do. It's been a year of me writing journals and poems, for myself. A year of reflections. A year of panic attacks. A year of questioning my faith some times, and making it stronger at the same time.  I still record our shows, but  haven't watched them waiting for you. A year without your laugh and smiles and hugs and kisses and just all of you. If my love was enough to protect you, you would still be her. My heart is forever broken. Our family will never be the same. We may be breathing, but we are dying inside, we sometimes laugh, but we cry more and we have a pain in our heart that can never be fixed, a continuous nightmare. Grief will continue to vary in intensity, but just like love, it will remain, not just for a year, but for life.

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